Self Regulating

A Functional Approach

to Life

dedicated to: the suffering children of the world…I will tell them.

“My brain is only a receiver, in the universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration.  I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists.”    Nikola Tesla

     I sense that what Nikola is missing, what he is longing for, in the above statement is that he did not apply the core universal energy process principles that he discovered to the human organism, to himself.  Nikola’s focus was on the functional energy processes in outer space whereas my focus is on understanding how this universal energy process functions within the human organism.  My approach is a purely energetic approach and all of my theories emerge from and are based on my own experiences.

MAN’S NATURE

     If a psychological theory is to be effective it must be based on a deep understanding of the nature of man and the laws of nature that govern him.  To gain this understanding man must close his eyes and take a journey, a journey deep, deep into the core of his being.  The following is a result of my journey…

     In order to gain an understanding of the nature of man one must look backward in time…to his very beginning.  At some point during the evolutionary process of nature there slowly emerged a new species of animal…man.  It is within the realm of the animal kingdom that man was born into existence and it is his animalism that is the core of his nature… man is an animal.

     During the beginning phase of his evolutionary process man lived as one with his fellow animals.  He roamed the earth with them; slept on the ground; fought for territory; vied for food,etc.  In other words…man functioned as an animal.

     The animal kingdom…  the wondrous sense of order, beauty, creativity, intelligence and sense of purpose.  Each animal functioning as one with his surroundings.  It’s as though the animal knows…what life expects of him.

     Like all of life, the animal kingdom functions within the core universal life energy process…that which moves and controls the universe moves and guides the animal and his surroundings.  This self regulating energy process that governs the animal kingdom and the life and life actions of every organism within contains certain innate laws of nature.  The animal has no control over his life/actions, he must function as his nature intends…

     If we view man as an animal the same universal laws and principles that govern his fellow animals in the wild apply to him.  Therefore, it is of the utmost importance to discover, define and understand the principles involved.  I will do this but, because of the purity of functioning among the animals in the wild, it is to their realm that I look to explain…

THE PRINCIPLES  OF SELF REGULATION 

       Nature provides the animal with the guidance he needs to enable him to function within the inherent self regulating order of her realm by giving him the ability to consciously experience his inner  process.  It is through the animal’s experience of his impulses, feelings, senses, etc., that nature makes her will known to him…..a lion experiencing the sensation of hunger and the accompanying impulse to hunt which overtakes and moves him forward in search of his prey, can do nothing but spontaneously allow himself to be drawn and guided by that impulse.  With the onset of winter, if it is part of his nature to do so, the inner impulse drawing a bird southward towards a warmer climate guides it on its journey.  The land otter, guided by his inner experience, seeks out the stream for food and pleasure.  

     The animal’s conscious awareness is not confined solely to his inner experience, he is also capable of perceiving the nature that surrounds him, but it is his inner experience, not the surrounding nature, that regulates and guides his actions…..sensing DANGER in the atmosphere the stag, guided by his feeling of fear and the impulse to withdraw from the danger moves quickly in flight.  If the DANGER be a predator after her baby, the bear’s inner sense of maternal protection, feeling of rage and the impulse to attack will thrust her forward to do battle.  The ability to experience his surroundings also enables the animal to perceive himself as a being among other beings but, again, it is his inner experience that will guide and determine the way in which he will act and re-act towards the other beings and it is his inner experience that will determine his role and act as his guide for functioning among them.

     Because he is in touch with his inner nature the animal has available to him through the awareness of his inner experience the functional reasoning, intelligence and creativity that is inherent within nature’s core life process.  The animal knows…..the beaver knows the principles involved in the process of building his dam.  The sea otter crashing the abalone shell he has just found against the stone he is balancing on his belly knows that this is what he must do in order to get the delicious meat inside.   And, most of all, the mother animal knows and is sensitive to the needs of her baby and she fulfills those needs with dedication and tenderness.   Again, it is the animal’s inner impulse that guides him towards and throughout his assigned task.   

     What is an impulse?  If you could “see through” the animal’s physical structure and observe the core of his being you would see an essence of energy.  You would notice that this essence of energy is pulsating in a wavelike rising-outward/ebbing-inward motion and that this motion creates a rhythmic movement that flows from the core of the animal organism towards the periphery.  You would also notice if you were to observe the animal for some time that the amount of energy flowing from the core of the organism towards the periphery will at times fluctuate as a result of a sudden surge in the energy flow…if the surge occurs during the rising phase of the wavelike motion, when the motion of the energy is moving in an outward direction, the pulsation in the rising phase intensifies, becomes stronger, than that of the ebbing-inward motion producing within the animal organism the sensation of being drawn forward – expansion. If the surge occurs during the ebbing phase when the motion of the energy is moving in an inward direction, the pulsation in the ebbing phase intensifies, becomes  stronger than that of the rising-outward motion producing within the animal organism the sensation of being drawn backward-withdrawal. A surge of energy accompanied by the sensation of being drawn forward or backward is an impulse…

Energy   There exists a ubiquitous universal self regulating life energy process…an essence containing innate laws that govern the processes of all of nature.  Inherent within the core life energy process is an objective functional logic; a functional reasoning; a universal wisdom.  This ubiquitous self regulating life process is contained within the core of each animal.  Let me define it more clearly…the animal organism contains many energy processes; I experience the self regulating process as being the core biological energy process, the one process that connects and integrates all other processes both inside and outside the body. This core is the background from which the individual processes emerge and recede as the organism needs them… the healing process will emerge, become foreground, if the animal has been wounded. When the wound has healed the healing process will recede, move into background.  I view the individual energy processes, which are changeable, as manifestations and a part of the core process…the constant.  One might think of a chameleon as a core energy essence containing many color processes…when he nestles into a pile of green leaves the color green emerges and he now blends with the leaves.  He moves on to sit on a brown log…the green recedes into background but is still contained within the core essence and the color brown emerges, becomes foreground.  The colors are a part of the core essence, the chameleon, and together they make a whole but within this whole it is the color processes that change and not the chameleon i. e. the chameleon does not emerge or recede or become some other essence.  Thus, it is that which does not change, the core essence, the constant, I term the self regulating process.

THE ANIMAL MAN

     If you can, picture early man living within the harmony of the animal kingdom…he is totally immersed, totally grounded in experience.  Man was pure animal at this stage in his evolution…acutely aware, senses sharp, etc..  And, because his actions were governed and guided by his inner nature, he knew what he needed to do in order to survive and he was more than capable of holding his own among his fellow beings.  Man approached life with the innate sense of purpose, curiosity, spontaneity, intelligence and creativity that is so prevalent among the animal kingdom and in the same manner as his brothers, man knew…what life expected of him.

     Being in touch with his nature, his core essence, enabled man to experience the processes at work in nature’s realm and he learned to use her resources to enhance his life.  During this phase in his evolution man functioned as one with the natural order of things…..What happened?

     Because there is a basic misconception as to the function of the mental process I must pause to make a couple of points before I continue further.  (1)  Man experienced and his life actions were governed and guided by his experience before he evolved conceptually.  The ability to consciously perceive his inner experience, his guideline for functioning, was already established.  The emergence of his conceptual process did not alter the way in which man functioned, i.e. man did not begin to function from his mental process nor did his nature ever intend that he do so.  The biological process precedes the psychological process.  It is out of the core biological process that the psychological process emerges.  Or, as I define it, experience precedes concept.  (2) The process of knowing and the process of functional reasoning are connected with and a part of body experience.  The mental process can and does enhance knowing by conceptualizing experience but the root of knowing is not contained within it.  I experienced, knew, and was working the self regulating process long before I developed any conceptual understanding.  Let me give you an example of my theory by sharing one of my experiences.  It will give you an idea of how my process works…

     I went back to the place where we lived when my children were little.  The house and fields were no longer there…condos had taken over!  I got out of my car and slowly walked around…remembering.  At one point I was very surprised and excited to hear my children’s voices.  My focus was drawn to a certain area and although I could not see my children I knew that they were there.  Their voices were full of excitement and laughter and they were having a lot of fun.  I don’t remember how long this experience lasted but I do remember having the awareness that this moment from the past still exists, is alive, and always would be.  The following concept emerged from this experience…

     This moment, the very moment that I am writing my thoughts down on paper, exists in energy form, is alive and will always exist.  Every moment of my past experiences still exist in energy form.  And, every moment of my experiences to come, the future, already exists in energy form…my body/awareness is constantly moving towards and through each moment …ever moving towards my fate.  (a sensitive seer can connect with this energy…and know)  Now, let’s get back to “What happened?”

     I am thinking about babies…  My dear little granddaughter was held constantly, always next to a warm loving body.  She slept with her Mommy and daddy.  She has this wonderful beginning to sustain her and no one can take that away from her…ever.

     And then there is little Danny, a neighbor’s son…  I am 16 years old and I am visiting him in his home.  I enter a dark, dark room with no sun, no light.  The smell of urine stifles me.  I can hardly breathe!  I cross the room and look into his crib and there he is…all alone, pale soaked in urine, his body lifeless.  He doesn’t cry out, “Somebody hold me, love me…care.”  He does look at me though…with eyes that are blank, dead.  Poor little, sweet Danny…  (I am 87 and still haunted by this experience)

     A baby is born expecting to be held close.  A baby is born expecting to be loved, nurtured and cared for.  A baby is also born expecting to self regulate…that it is his internal nature that will govern and guide the actions of his mother and father in caring for him.  These infantile needs and expectations are innate and must be fulfilled to insure the healthy survival of the organism.

     I cannot begin to convey how open, how vulnerable the human organism is when it enters this world; the intensity with which a baby experiences life.  When an infant feels his whole body feels.  The infant is totally connected to and governed by his core life energy process.  And…an infant knows.  I spent many months re-living, re-experiencing the birth and infancy stages of my life and I knew…that if I was to be born it was up to me…I was on my own.  I knew that it was my yes against my mother’s no.  It was struggle (3 days) or die.  

     During the last session in which I re-experienced my birth I was still in my mother’s womb at the beginning but then, all of a sudden, I was in a crib sleeping peacefully…the words that emerged during this experience were, “I made it!”  I was also aware that I never knew that I had “made it”.  I now know why…as an infant I was aware of my experience in the womb but I never re-experienced emerging from my mother’s body…I never re-experienced being born.

     My early infancy was not much easier…my major experience was that of being totally alone in the world.  I knew that no matter how much I cried, screamed with rage, no one was going to come-ever! Yes, dear reader, an infant knows…without words, an infant knows.  (when I mention re-experience this is what happened.  It is not an image or fantasy, it is a full body experience.-When I was re-experiencing being in the womb I was actually experiencing being in the womb.  I could feel my mother’s contractions, her body heat, her resistance…my mother chopped wood during her labor!)

     And, the little child knows…  Watching a toddler at play is seeing:  purpose in its purest form; limitless curiosity ; unobstructed spontaneity; a concentration that is incredibly powerful because it is devoid of tension; an inherent intelligence; a creativity that is boundless; a being totally immersed, totally grounded, in his own experience.

   The child, because he is connected to and functions from his core life energy process, knows what he wants/needs and can do nothing but allow his inner impulse, his guideline for action, to move him towards it.  The child, guided by his inner experience, knows what he does not want and, following his inner impulse withdraws and moves in another direction.  The child knows who he is, he is his experience and his actions are governed by his experience…himself.  The universal ubiquitous energy process that connects and regulates all of nature pulses deep within him and he is its center.

     Perhaps you are thinking…this is all well and good but what if little Mary is experiencing a burst of creativity and,guided by her inner impulse, gets out her color crayons and decides that it would be quite wonderful to draw beautiful designs on your newly painted white living room wall.  Well, perhaps you could convince Mary that we do not color on walls and hand her some paper and a coloring book and explain to her that we use these to color with.   Suppose Mary’s not convinced.  She feels expansive and needs a large background on which to draw her designs.  Perhaps you could tack some paper on the lower half of the wall and let little Mary draw away to her hearts content.  Better yet…dedicate a whole wall to Mary’s art!

     And, there’s Jonny…Allen has just grabbed his favorite toy and refuses to give it back.  Johnny is furious and attacks Allen.  Allen fights back – no way is he giving that toy back!   What to do?  Well, you could, calmly if you are comfortable with your own anger, separate the boys and give each of them a pillow to beat on and explain that we do not hit people but we can beat on pillows and scream out our anger while we do it!  What if they are not satisfied with the pillow substitute?  It is not easy…

     A child, if he is to function as his nature intends, self regulate, must be allowed his experiences, must have the freedom to act on his impulses.  It is, if you will, his god given right.  The role of the parent is to discover a way in which to guide the child so that his experiences can be expressed in a constructive and not a destructive manner.  The child has no will; he must follow the dictates of his inner nature.  The forces that draw a child towards what he wants or away from that which he does not want are powerful.

     What happens when we are not allowed to function in the way that our nature intends?  When our infantile needs and expectations are not met?  When our impulses are interfered with and not allowed their full expression? When our life experiences are mostly negative?

    Let’s begin with life in the womb.  I have had one brief experience…I’m upside down and there is intense pressure/pain in the occipital area of my head.  I can feel the warmth of my mother’s body but I am experiencing an icy coldness throughout mine.  I do not remember experiencing emotion but I know that terror is cold.  My experience, though brief, lets me know that a baby has a life full of experience in the womb.  And, that a baby knows without words and has acute awareness.  Life can be a negative experience for a little baby even before the process of birth begins…

      When a baby enters this world the first impulse he experiences is the impulse to be taken immediately into the arms of his mother and held close to her breast.  If bonding is not allowed to occur it is an unbearably painful experience for both the infant and the mother.

     The impulse to be held close to a warm loving body is a constant need throughout infancy and must be fulfilled to insure a sense of security within the child.  Other impulses such as sucking, rooting, crying, etc.. act as signals…the baby’s actions let his mother and father know what his needs are.

     What happens when a baby is not allowed to bond with his mother; not held close to a warm body; left alone in a crib (more than likely ;the crib is not in the parents room) for the greater part of his infancy.  Is hungry and not fed by his inner time clock (his inner time clock is not convenient for his parents).  Is left to cry (a baby has no sense of time…each moment is experienced as forever; waiting can seem an eternity) because if you pick a baby up too much you will spoil him; left to wallow in his own urine and feces; needs to be picked up, held close, be reassured and no one is there; experiences physical abuse; not nurtured and cared for, etc..  What happens is a baby’s life experience becomes one of unbearable pain, sheer terror and RAGE.

     And the dear toddler….entering the phase of her life when she is beginning to leave the arms of her parents and reach out to discover the delights of the world.  A time of wondrous growth; a time for discovering her legs and her grounding on earth.  The toddler’s impulses now take on the predominant role of guiding her actions; will move her towards that which will enhance her life and guide her away from that which will not. During this time the child is needing loving, strong, gentle  patience guidance from her parents. 

     The poor dear toddler who on her own learns how to crawl and then to walk and has no one to share in her delight to have accomplished such a great task.  The toddler who learns to jibber jabber which she will later translate into words and has no one to listen to her “talk’.  The toddler who experiences strong loving feelings, the impulse to reach out with these feelings so strong that it raises her arms and there is no one to accept her great love.  The toddler whose sense of curiosity and the impulse to explore is met with, “Come back here!” “This minute!” “Don’t touch that!” “No, no, no!” The toddler who feels hurt, angry, scared and told not to feel those feelings, perhaps even spanked and sent to her room until he stops crying, stops feeling angry; stops feeling afraid.  And, on and on and on…

     And the older child…  Take little Mary that I mentioned before…she more than likely would have been screamed at, spanked, etc..  What happens to her delight in her creativity?  And Johnny?  He probably would have been spanked or screamed at also and made to give his favorite toy to Allen.  What about Johnny’s love for his toy; his sense of territory; his right to decide when the time is right for him to share his possessions?  I could go on…

     In spite of it all, as children we still knew who we were, we were our experience.  And we fought for our life, oh how we fought.  When our body experience said yes we re-acted to the no with kicks, screams and rage.  When our body experience said no, we fought the yes.  Yes, we knew who we were…It’s just that who we were never seemed to be enough and, over a period of time, our experience, who we were, became too much to bear. 

     When one understands that nature intends that we human beings function in the same self regulating manner as our brother animals do, one realizes that the intrusion from the outside world is a violent invasion and interruption of our innate way of functioning and a tremendous shock to our organism.  One might wonder how we survived…..

The Process of Disconnection

     If one views the present state of mankind…the suffering, the chaos and the violence in the context of the harmonious self regulating order that permeates the universe one could, with a little imagination, draw the conclusion that God, for some reason, saw fit to cast forth from the “Garden of Eden” the creature man to henceforth live on this earth forever separate from the natural order of things.   The infamous apple?  It could, again with a little imagination, represent some major “sin” committed by Adam and Eve.  Or it could, with a little imaginative understanding, be seen as a symbol of protection, a value, and that man’s error was not in the partaking of the apple but in not understanding its intended function.  Could it be that Adam and Eve, whom God loved, experienced great suffering (I wish I knew what the “original pain” was) before they were expelled from the “Garden of Eden” and that God had them partake of the apple, a process that would enable them to not know of their pain, because He knew that if they did not they would not survive and that God wanted with all his heart to protect Adam and Eve so that they might go forth and multiply… 

     The process that I term the process of disconnection is one of the many innate processes contained within the core essence of the animal organism.  The function of the process of disconnection is to protect the organism from a core traumatic experience, be it of an emotional, psychological, physical or purely energetic nature that, if felt, would be intolerable, would overwhelm the organism…

     Before I proceed I must explain an energy formular…I have already explained to you that the human organism contains a core essence of energy that pulsates in a wavelike motion and that this motion creates a rhythmic movement that flows from the core of the organism towards its periphery.  Contained within the rhythmic movement is the process of charge – tension to build the charge towards discharge – dissipation of the charge – relaxation of tension.   The function of the process of charge-tension-discharge-relaxation is the  creation of a flow (I sense that the action of the peristalsis may be the organism’s core generator?); the function of the flow is to move the energy towards discharge, outwardly through the skin and inwardly into the viscera, to prevent a buildup of energy within the organism.  If the needs and expectations of the organism are met, if trauma does not occur, the process of charge-tension -discharge- relaxation functions naturally, the energy contained within each experience is discharged.  Now to continue…

     Suppose a woman becomes pregnant; does not want to be; develops a hatred for the infant she is carrying in her womb.  The infant experiences his mother’s energy; feels her hatred and knows that he is not wanted…that which his life depends on rejects him.  This experience produces within the infant another experience…that of sheer terror…how will I survive?  To experience this, to know, is too much for the infant’s heart and soul to bear…it is intolerable.  The infant’s body is undergoing an intolerable experience as well…the charge, and the tension created by the charge produced by the energy processes within the infant is of such intensity that the infant’s body is unable to handle it.  The core energy is stuck at this stage and cannot move on to complete the discharge-relaxation stage.  The infant’s experience has definitely reached the trauma stage.  If the infant organism continues to experience the trauma, the charge-tension will increase and there is the possibility that the organism could “explode” or that knowing could drive the infant crazy”  Survival is at stake…

     In a traumatic situation such as this the process of disconnection will emerge from background and when it does a powerful wave of energy will flow throughout the organism disconnecting the infant from the awareness of his experience…without awareness, the infant no longer experiences or knows of his mother’s hatred.  No longer knows that which his life depends on rejects him.  No longer feels the pain and terror connected with that knowledge.  The infant will be protected from this particular experience unless, at some point in his life,  he re-experiences it…to the grave…

…..What is interesting is that the trauma has not been erased nor has the energy of the charge-tension contained within the trauma decreased…the entire experience is still contained, frozen, within the infant organism…only the organism’s awareness has been affected.  My sense of what happens is that the disconnection from awareness of the experience stops the charge-tension from building, intensifying further.  The experience continues but without, because there is no longer awareness, an increase in the charge.  Plus, the disconnection from awareness also enables the organism to somehow tolerate the overcharge (energy that has not been discharged) left within the organism after awareness has been disconnected.

     If, during an experience of a traumatic nature, the process of disconnection does not emerge from background or if it does emerge but is not strong enough to counteract the trauma the organism will suffer severe damage…perhaps even die.

     When trauma has occurred within the organism and the process of disconnection has “done its job”, disconnected the organism from the awareness of its experience, the process of disconnection, its function being fulfilled, will recede into background and remain there and not emerge again unless the organism undergoes another traumatic experience.  When the process of disconnection recedes into background another process will emerge into foreground to “take over”, ensuring that the organism will be continuously protected from the awareness of its core traumatic experience.  Its name…

The Process of Resistance

     The function of the process of resistance is to contain or maintain the disconnection from awareness…to ensure that the organism will be continuously protected from its experience.  Again, experience = energy…if the disconnection from awareness is to be maintained it is the energy, charge-tension, of the experience that the process of resistance must contain, keep frozen.  How does it do this?  By creating a tension stronger than that of the tension produced by the charge contained within the traumatic experience, the process of contraction.  The process of resistance is a process of contraction.  It is within the musculature of the body that the process of contraction takes place (perhaps the non-muscular areas as well?)  The tension produced by the contraction within the muscles immobilizes the trauma; the movement of energy is contained and the disconnection from the awareness of the traumatic experience is maintained.  Unlike the process of disconnection, once the contraction within the musculature takes place the process of resistance does not recede into background but remains in foreground…ever vigilant.  So, the process of disconnection and resistance are of value…the infant has survived his trauma.   But, there are consequences,,,,

An aside…the above is the 8th draft of a five to ten year project.  Although it is still in the early drafting stage there is enough integration to give you an understanding of my self regulating theories.

     In the mid 80s I spent six months of intense writing attempting to conceptualize my experiences with the self regulating process.  After six months I was utterly spent so had to put my efforts aside, assuming that I would get back to my project sometime in the future…

     In the late 80s I had to let go of my career as a Reichian teacher because of overwhelming life issues – my process was so intense that I could not be there for my students.  Again, I assumed that I would resume my career at some point in the future…

     Well…I did not return to my career nor did I resume my writing project.  I made a couple of serious attempts but they did not work out.  My career came to an end and my writing project went deep into background…

     I am now an 87 year old lady in the beginning stages of dementia…  And, I am experiencing a strong impulse to get my self regulating theories out into the universe!  How on earth am I going to accomplish this? I am unable to conceptually resume my project; unable to deepen my understanding; unable to finish my project.  Eventually I decided that what I needed to do was to post it exactly as it merged from my process 47 years ago.  And that is what I am doing…

Next section:

Am stuck re:character resistance…

Want to explain in the context of feeling only – no labels.

Do not know where to integrate…

Have to explain the function of feelings; effects of trauma on feelings (and impulses); sequence of repression…

Lots and lots of work (exhausts me to even think about it…)

Integration from here on is not good…

     Our little infant organism now contains the charge-tension of the energy connected with the trauma and the layer or tension created by the contraction within the musculature…the tension of the overcharge and the greater tension of the contraction will remain in the infant’s body and will impair, to what extent depending upon the degree of contraction, the natural core energy flow within the organism – the core energy now has a layer of tension to move through… this layer is the beginning formation of a dam, energy backing up on itself.  The layer of tension will also have an affect on the quality of the infant’s experience/life…when the flow of energy is impaired the depth of experience diminishes.  Perhaps the saddest consequence of the process of resistance is that, because the little infant is now disconnected from his experience, there is a part of himself that he will never know…this is a great loss.

     We also have at this stage the beginning formation of the infant’s character and ego defense…contained within and emerging from the process of resistance is the character defense of the organism; contained within the process of resistance and emerging from the character defense is the ego defense – I connect the ego defence with pride (false pride?) and see its role as defending the character defense.  The function of the character/ego defense is to reinforce the primary muscular defense.  The process of will is also contained  within the defense mechanism of the organism and is a part of the character/ego structure.

     I view character as emerging from experience; a biological process containing the qualities of feeling, the emotional nature or a person.  There are feelings that define how we will function in life…these are the qualities of character that make each of us alike; there are feelings that shape our personality – the qualities that make each of us different.  No matter who may have told you differently or what you may “think” man is naturally of good character.  I have functioned from my core enough to know that the core essence of the animal species, the human being, contains the qualities of benevolence, inner peace, acceptance and trust; that if he were to function from his core man would function from love.  If my little infant’s early experiences in life were positive and he was allowed to self regulate , the development of his character would contain those qualities connected with benevolence and he would approach life with love and trust.  Unfortunately, as a result of trauma, the natural development of my little infant’s character and the way in which he will function in life will be greatly altered.

     I do not want to give the impression that if man were to function from his core that he would lead some kind of Utopian existence…life contains its hardships; or that the only emotion man would experience is love…fear, pain and rage are also a part of life; or that each man would be good – evil does exist.  Life in the animal kingdom is not always a bed of roses but it does contain a sense of peace, harmony and order…the world of man could certainly use some of that…

BIG BLOCK!!!

Next:

     The direction in which I am moving…

     First draft so needs lots of work…just beginning the process of working out the concepts…

     Pretty bad…nothing may be true…will take shape after 5 or 6 drafts…

     At this point there seems so much to integrate that I feel muddled…confused,,,

     Suppose that during the birth process our little infant who has already suffered so much during his life in the womb has another traumatic experience (it is unbearable to think that this may be so…but it happens all too often).  There will be another disconnection from awareness; another experience frozen within the organism…the process of disconnection is strengthening; the charge-tension contained within the experience is added to that of the first trauma…the overcharge (energy that has not been discharged) is increasing; another layer of tension created by the contraction within the musculature is added to the layer produced by the first contraction.  The dam is building; the process of resistance is becoming stronger. 

     Suppose that the infant’s strong impulse to bond with his mother is not fulfilled; his needs and the expectation to self regulate are not met in early infancy; that during the toddler stage his impulses, his guideline for action, are interfered with; that as a young child he is not allowed to cry, to feel fear or to vent his rage (you can actually see the tremendous amount of tension – a tension so great that the child’s body trembles – produced by the process of resistance in order to “hold back” these unacceptable feelings)  Each time the infant, toddler or little child is not allowed to self regulate…to experience fully (the core energy flow containing the process of charge-tension-discharge-relaxtation is allowed full completion), without any interference, be it from within the organism or without, the individual energy processes (feelings impulses, etc.) as they emerge and recede within the core essence of the organism…the dam (frozen or stationary overcharged energy backing up on the natural core energy flow) strengthens and the process of resistance (the contraction/tension within the musculature containing the dam) gains more power until there occurs within the organism a turning point…..the stationary energy within the overcharger, the dam, and the contraction/tension within the musculature containing the dam becomes stronger than that of the natural core energy flow; the core self regulating process, the life essence of the organism, is, as a result of trauma, left in a weakened  state…the strength of the organism now lies within the process of resistance.  This turning point, depending on the extent and degree of trauma, can occur within the organism at any time but is most likely to take place during one of the early stages or life.  Using my own re-experiences as my guide, I believe that the turning point occurs as a result of an experience/trauma that is,if you will, the last straw…

     I am a toddler.  I do not speak words yet but I am very good at baby babble and…I am mad as hell!  I want something and I am asking for it and nobody is giving it to me and I am getting madder and madder and I have no intention of giving up I am going to keep asking and keep asking until somebody gives it to me and somebody had better give it to me pretty soon…or else!  I have never discovered what it is that I wanted, I do not understand baby babble, or if I ever received it, because when I am re-experiencing the toddler stage of my life, the time before I can speak any words, at some point I burst out laughing in utter joy.  I cannot believe the free feeling I am experiencing in my body; the freeness of my anger; that the muscles in my throat, jaw and mouth are able to move in a way that enables me to make all those wondrous sounds; that I am actually freely wanting something and wanting it intensely; that I am asking for what I want; that I expect to receive it; and that I have no intention of giving up until I get it!  To feel this is utter joy.

     I am a toddler again.  Still no words.  My father is cradling me in his arms…I can feel his energy merging with mine…there is no separation between us…no boundaries…we are both experiencing the great love that we feel for each other…it flows between us…through us…the depth of my trust in our love_______I am suddenly standing in a play pen in my grandmother’s kitchen; my grandmother is there with her back towards me and I am yelling at her (I can now speak a few words) ,,,dada go dada go dada go…I WANT HER TO TELL ME WHY!  She doesn’t…nobody ever does. In this scene, which emerged within me immediately after the loving scene with my father, I am experiencing a lot of anxiety, frustration and anger because my grandmother cannot understand my baby babble.  (how I loved her and she loved me…from a distance.)  My feelings are strained, bottled up…no longer free…and, I am shaking my playpen in an attempt to find some release…but it does not come.  I am also aware of a vague sense of deep emotional pain somewhere under the anger…I am so thankful that the little toddler in me was protected from that pain because, you see, my daddy had left me (for good) and…..my daddy was all I had in life.  Never was I to feel free again, except for those all too rare moments in life.  (on my mother’s death bed I told her of my experience of love with my father and she said, “Well, it must have been when you were a toddler because that was the only time that he was ever around.”)

     For me, the turning point occurred during the toddler stage just before I learned to speak in words as a result of my father leaving me.  In all my re-experiences, and I have had many, it is only during the toddler stage when my father was around that I re-experience a sense of freeness and contact with another human being.  My re-experiences prior to the toddler stage are that of utter agony and total aloness…the emotions I experience during this stage are very deep and strong.  In my re-experiences after the turning point the most noticeable affects are:  the loss of freeness in my body and beginning sense of a great tension; a decrease in the quality of my feelings/experience and the need to do something to “try to get it out” (discharge the energy).  As I grow older and pass through the various stages of my early growth/development beyond the toddler stage there is, with each traumatic experience, a sharp increase in the feeling of tension and decrease in the quality of emotion and experience.

     When the process of resistance becomes stronger than that of the natural core energy flow, when the organism reaches the turning point, the contraction/tension within the musculature enters the chronic stage.  Prior to the turning point, although there is a build up of the charge-tension contained within the energy connected with trauma and layers of tension created by the contraction within the musculature containing the trauma, the organism is able to discharge the the energy contained within non-traumatic experiences – the natural core energy flow can still penetrate the contraction,  After the turning point, the ability of the organism,s core energy flow to penetrate the contraction is diminished greatly – the natural process of discharge becomes more difficult and a great deal of the time cannot occur at all.  This accounts for the decrease in the quality of m;y experience in the scene in my grandmother’s kitchen after the turning point had occurred…when the energy process containing the feelings of anxiety, frustration and anger emerged within me, the amount of energy able to penetrate the contraction had diminished and therefore…  Also,  discharge did not occur naturally – I felt tense and bottled up – and I was trying to seek some release by shaking my playpen to “get it out”…..Remember that an impulse will occur within the animal organism when the organism on its own cannot, without conscious action on the part of the animal,, fulfill the needs of its inner nature.   When the  organism needs to discharge energy and can no longer accomplish this on its own, an impulse will occur…for me it was an impulse to shake my playpen.  Although in my re-experience discharge did not occur I’m sure that I continued to “do something” until eventually I found some release.  So, when discharge cannot occur naturally, the organism seeks a way for it to discharge in a manner that is effective but unnatural.  A child who is feeling bottled up (his or her organism cannot discharge energy naturally) may feel an impulse to throw or break objects; start fights; throw tantrum’s; scream hysterically; masturbate (masturbation in children is not a natural process but emerges prematurely in the organism’s attempt to seek release from energy build up); play hard;…  Impulses that emerge as a result of the organism’s need to discharge a build up of energy can be directed inwardly or outwardly and are usually of a frantic or destructive nature.  The only objective of the organism is discharge;  the manner in which the discharge occurs depends on the nature/character of the child.  The impulse to discharge is of value, although the manner in which it takes place may not be, as it fulfills a need within the organism and will continue throughout the life of the organism.

     Adults seek discharge by waging war; by getting caught up in religious fervor; by joining causes; by exercising to the point of dropping; by engaging in excessive, unloving and unnatural sex; through sports; by pushing themselves “beyond” their limits; etc..

EXPLAIN AND INTEGRATE

Function of the orgasm…

Impulses are now connected to and emerge from the process of resistance…

Integrate how this affects life today _ power, war, etc…

NEXT

Last section…re-connecting via self regulating…

S.R. a philosophy, a way of functioning…

Principles of S,R, in the first section apply here..

Impulse emerges from resistance – allow, follow in a constructive way…

EXPERIENCE PRECEDES CONCEPT

My role…

Student examples…

Long term…

This will be the most difficult section because it is all so natural I never need to think about it..

Pass THROUGH resistance to reconnect to core/periphery…

THAT’S IT!